It happened again.
You made plans to spend the day with your family/friends. You invested hard-earned money and valuable time and looked forward to making memories! You mapped out all the details, and it was all set.
Then... you get that dreaded text message or phone call.
They won’t be able to make it…AGAIN!
Something ‘came up’ again. Someone suddenly ‘got sick’ again or had another ‘emergency’ that prevented them from doing anything with you any time soon. Maybe they promised to make it up to you in the future… When they have time!
If you’re like me, you’ve been disappointed by family and friends more times than you can count on all of your fingers and toes! Many times we tell ourselves: “Well, it’s okay, I understand everyone cancels now and then. No big deal!”
Is it really no big deal?
What happens when we feel so burnt out, tired, and emotionally spent from being let down on a regular basis - that we simply shut down, avoid socializing, and go to a sociological ‘dark side’ where trusting anyone has become a challenge and we’re emotionally jaded; we’ve come to expect disappointment from others, exercising an unhealthy pattern of emotional distrust.
If you’ve ever felt like closing yourself off from those who continually let you down, there are some healthy ways to shed light on that dark place of disappointment!
FAMILY & FRIENDS: Establishing Close And Distant Connections
Expectations of family and friends are pretty basic. Attending birthdays/anniversary celebrations and special functions is essential to understanding how others prioritize our milestones.
If you’re finding it challenging to understand how others can dismiss your invites, Preferred Health Magazine spoke to licensed therapist and author Roya Dedeaux about staying emotionally afloat when we’ve been getting those dreaded messages or calls that someone is repeatedly bailing on us.
“This is definitely something that comes up in therapy,” Dedeaux said unabashedly. “One of the best pieces of advice I give is to not to expect someone to be different from who they’re showing you they are. You usually know full well - going into something - if there’s a good chance your family or friend isn’t going to follow through. At that point, it’s on you to set the stage for how it plays out - like not putting money into something that may not even happen.”
Dedeaux revealed a harsh truth - that we often behave as though we’re dealing with someone reliable!
“We constantly try to pretend that it’s a normal situation,” the therapist said. “But the story is, over and over again, you’re spending money and time making plans- and they’re just not showing up. So you have to approach it differently. If you can, maybe ask them to reimburse you for things you’ve spent money on, or better yet, include them as part of a group - say, ‘If you’d like to join me, we’re doing this thing…’ Put the responsibility on them to do all the work of showing up and being there. You set the boundaries for where they have to be instead of traveling -
if that was part of your plan. You can hold back the effort you put into it.
“I look at stories we tell ourselves about other people, our expectations… and sometimes it has nothing to do with us specifically. We internalize their behavior, and we become jaded -as if this is something they did TO US, but there may be a different narrative behind their actions,” she said.
Dedeaux’s advice? Don’t waste emotions and energy on someone else’s ‘story’!
We want people to put us first, but sometimes, separating their reality from your feelings could be a source of empowerment.
Should we exclude those who repeatedly disappoint us? Showing that ‘dark side’ and being selfish is an understandable repercussion of being burned too many times.
“Changing your behavior based on their behavior is not mean,” the therapist admitted. “A lot of it comes down to conditioning what we think it means to be ‘nice’ and what we think our relationship with that person is supposed to be.”
If it’s not working for you - if it’s not serving you, you get to rewrite that narrative of the relationship. She added that it’s not unkind to communicate assertively and express what you need or set boundaries.
“A boundary is not telling someone else what to do, it’s saying ‘I’m going to do this...’ and these are the conditions.” Dedeaux also addressed that doomed decision we all make from time to time: cutting people off. “Sometimes we have to cut people off to establish new and healthy habits for ourselves—but you can invite those people back with your new assertiveness or new boundaries set up, which is hard to do without some distance at first. The unhealthiest thing to do is keep going as you are - building resentment and blame for the situations.”
If they’re not seeing how important an event or gathering is to you, you may be grieving their loss as you harp on their absence. A better idea is to connect with those who will show up no matter what.
“We need connections, I get, and as humans it’s okay to want and expect that from the people closest to you. But sometimes, sadly, those who never show up aren’t your people,” she said, adding that you may find a healthy support system by going outside of your social circle and finding fulfilling connections from those who aren’t close or related to you at all!
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: When Do You Throw In the Towel?
Dating someone who always disappoints you falls into a different category of emotional strain. If you’re gauging whether or not you can spend your life with someone, constantly being let down may be a sign that this person isn’t in it for the long haul.
Best-selling author, relationship coach/guru, and renowned motivational speaker Keishorne Scott shared some basics with PHM on investing your time in someone who repeatedly bails on you.
“You have to realize that when it comes to love - and being in love - effort is action-oriented and it’s tangible. Showing someone you’re going to be there, no matter what the function or event may be, makes you feel loved, safe, and secure. When you’re constantly disappointed, that person isn’t giving you the security that will keep the momentum of the relationship going,” he said.
Although many experts advise against telling your current partner about your exes and scars from past disappointment, Scott says the conversation and transparency must be present to move forward with a serious relationship. “Sometimes you need to let your new partner know straight up, ‘Hey, I’ve had a pattern of being burned in the past, I’ve been let down a lot, so I need you to show me that you’re different.’ Your experiences and fears need to be respected and understood. So you also have to be transparent when you feel like things aren’t going in a positive direction.”
Scott also knows that we want to see the ‘good’ in people – to the point that we try to fix them by having unrealistic expectations. “We tend to date a person’s potential, the ‘good’ we see in them- instead of the reality of who they are. We can’t try to fix someone over time or force them to be there when they don’t want to be; that leads to more pain and disappointment,” he added.
But, he noted - giving someone a grace period and a reasonable window of time in a few months where a few mistakes and minor hiccups occur - could help gauge where the relationship is going.
“When it’s chronic - it’s more than just disappointment and broken promises over time and lack of commitment or emotion. Someone who doesn’t show up for you chronically can lead you to feel like you can’t trust them to be there for you emotionally - intimately - on a daily basis. That turns it into an ‘at risk’ relationship which won’t last…That’s when we start to lose faith in love and we stop trusting people we want to fall in love with long-term. You have to start questioning if you see your life with this person who doesn’t meet your expectations - even for simple things” said the Brooklyn native whose books ‘L.I.F.E’ and ‘Heart of Gold’ hit the Amazon bestseller list.
He did give credit to hope for making a romance last. “Sometimes people let you down for a valid reason and it’s not intent or malice. However, you have to set those boundaries early on, after a considerable grace period, to trust them and find out why they’re disappointing you. Maybe it’s because of a deeper issue, or they lack the ability to commit. They could also be trying to manipulate you. But you are in control of how long this person imposes this behavior on you,” he concluded. No matter what situation you’re in, there’s always room to change your relationships and make improvements that won’t drag you into a dark, disappointing space!
So find the good people in your life and send out those invites!
Roya Dedeaux is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a focus on creative parenting. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Recreation and a Master’s degree in Counseling from California State University, Long Beach where she taught in the Recreation and Leisure Studies department for over a decade. This experience has led her to a private therapy practice, authoring several books, and creating games and a series of parenting courses. She has been a featured or keynote speaker at over 60 conferences, providing creative tools and clinical expertise for parents and their teens with anxiety during the difficult “launching to adulthood” stage.